There’s a specific kind of heartbreak that comes with loving someone who is struggling with alcohol.
It’s not as simple as just worry or frustration – it’s watching someone you care about slowly slip away… while feeling completely powerless to stop it. You try to help. Of course you do.
You say the things you think might get through to them. You try to make their life easier. You take on more. You cover for them. You hope this version of help will be the thing that finally works.
And somewhere along the way, you realize… you’re losing yourself in the process.
In this episode of No Alcohol Needed, Julie Miller, Steve Knapp, Janice Dowd, and Matt Shambo talk about what it really looks like to support someone with a drinking problem… and where that line gets blurry between helping and hurting.
Watch the full episode here, or keep reading for a summary of the insights and main points.
When “Helping” Turns Into Something Else
Most people don’t start out trying to control someone else’s life.
They start out trying to ease the pain. As Matt shares: “I used to get lectured… but what I really think it turns into is enabling… and codependency.”
It often begins with good intentions:
- Taking responsibilities off their plate
- Covering for them
- Trying to reduce stress so they’ll drink less
But over time, it can turn into something consuming. Janice describes it this way: “It increases over time until you find yourself consumed with trying to help them.” And that’s usually the moment things start to head in the wrong direction. Because what feels like helping… can become taking over.
The Line Between Support and Control
One of the hardest truths in this entire conversation is this:
You cannot control someone else’s drinking.
Not by loving them harder.
Not by making life easier.
Not by removing obstacles.
Steve shares a powerful example: “The responsibility was removed… and then I got creative to still achieve what I wanted.” When someone isn’t ready to stop, they will find a way.
And when we step in too much, it can actually:
- Remove their autonomy
- Increase secrecy
- Create more shame
Julie puts it simply: “If you take it away, it feels like you don’t trust them… and that causes more pain.”
That’s the part that’s so hard to understand. Trying to control the situation doesn’t just fail… It often makes the situation even more painful for both people.
Related: Helping Your Loved Ones With Addiction
Why Lectures and Logic Don’t Work
If you’ve ever said something like:
- “Look at everything you have”
- “You’re too smart for this”
- “Why can’t you just stop?”
We get it. Almost everyone tries this at some point. But here’s what it sounds like on the other side:
“You have all these reasons… so what’s wrong with you?”
And that lands as shame, not motivation.
Julie explains: “If I could have loved my family enough to get sober, I would have gotten sober a long time ago.” That’s a hard thing to hear… and an important one. Because addiction isn’t about logic. It’s not about willpower.
And it’s definitely not about how much someone loves you.
The Pain Goes Both Ways
One of the most important moments in this conversation is when the group pauses to acknowledge something that often gets missed:
There is pain on both sides.
Steve says: “The pain on the other side is likely just as great… because if I’m disconnected, that means they are too.”
Loved ones feel:
- Fear
- Helplessness
- Anger
- Exhaustion
- Guilt
And often… responsibility for something that was never theirs to carry.
And things get all tangled up. Because when someone else’s struggle starts to feel like your failure… you’re no longer just supporting them. You’re literally carrying them.
What Actually Helps
This is where the conversation turns toward hope and action. Because while you can’t make someone ready… you can show up in ways that matter.
Matt shares a moment that stands out: “I said, can you take the day off and help me make calls? …and she did.”
This is such a perfect example of real, valuable help. It’s not forcing support, it’s not controlling outcomes. It’s being available when they finally ask. Julie reflects on that moment: “That means they felt safe enough to say, ‘I need help.’ That’s the gift.”
If there’s one thing to take from this entire episode, it might be this:
Create safety, not pressure.
Because readiness can’t be forced, but it can be supported.
Letting Go Without Giving Up
This is the part that feels impossible.
Letting go of control can feel like:
- Giving up
- Abandoning them
- Failing them
But I promise, it’s not. It’s recognizing reality. Matt says it clearly: “Until that person is ready… there’s nothing I can do that’s going to make that happen.” And that realization is painful. But it also creates space for something else: Relief.
Janice shares: “When they let go of the chaos, there was a sense of relief.” Letting go doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It means you stop trying to control what you never could have controlled anyway.
Where You Can Take Your Power Back
If you’re feeling consumed right now, this is where to start. Not with them. With you.
Julie offers a simple but powerful shift:
“What’s inside your control… and what’s outside?”
Inside your control:
- Your boundaries
- Your choices
- Your time and energy
- How you respond
- The support you seek
Outside your control:
- Their drinking
- Their choices
- Their timeline
- Their readiness
Staying focused on what you can’t control will drain you. Focusing on what you can control gives you a way forward.
Finding Relief (When It Feels Like There Isn’t Any)
If you’re in this right now, here are the threads that came up again and again in this conversation:
1. Find people who understand
Support groups like Al-Anon can be life-changing. Not because they fix anything… but because you stop feeling alone.
2. Take care of yourself, even in small ways
A walk. A break. A moment to breathe. It matters more than you think.
3. Set boundaries that protect you
Not to punish them, but to keep yourself steady.
4. Let them come to you when they’re ready
And when they do… meet them there.
5. Remember this is not about your worth
Their struggle is not a reflection of you.
Julie says it best: “It has nothing to do with you or your value… it has everything to do with their battle.”
A Different Way to Think About Love
At the end of the episode, Steve shares something that reframes the struggle: “Love doesn’t mean control… it means letting them be who they are and loving them where they are.”
We know that’s not easy. It might be one of the hardest things you ever learn. But it’s also where the healing happens. Not in fixing them. Not in saving them. But in learning how to stay grounded… while loving someone who is struggling.
Resources Mentioned in This Episode
- Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
- Al-Anon
Want to hear the full conversation?
This post is based on Episode 191 of No Alcohol Needed: the Podcast – “Supporting a Loved One with Alcohol Addiction (Without Losing Yourself)”
Watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts / Spotify for more personal stories and insights from the hosts and guests.
- Supporting a Loved One Who Drinks Too Much (Without Losing Yourself) - May 4, 2026
- Why People Relapse After Years Sober (And What to Watch For) - April 27, 2026
- Learn to Forgive Yourself: How to Let Go of the Shame - April 22, 2026