There’s a kind of pain that doesn’t come from what’s happening today.
It comes from things you did years ago…
Something you said…
A version of you that you can’t seem to stop replaying.
And no matter how much your life has changed, no matter how much you’ve grown, it still sits there in the background, whispering:
You don’t deserve this life.
If people really knew you…
You can’t come back from that.
For a lot of people walking into a life without alcohol, it’s the shame that lingers the longest. And if you don’t learn to forgive yourself, that shame follows you into everything.
Watch the full episode here, or keep reading for some notes about the key points and insights we discussed.
When Shame Becomes Your Identity
The hardest part about shame isn’t just what you did. It’s what you start to believe about yourself because of it.
As Kristyna shared in the conversation, “I didn’t feel that I deserved anything better for some of the horrible things I’ve done in my past.”
That’s what happens: It moves from ‘I did something bad‘ to ‘I am bad.‘
Julie described that same internal experience: “I would look around at my life and think… I don’t deserve any of this.”
And once that belief takes hold, it doesn’t stay contained. It affects:
- your relationships
- your confidence
- your willingness to try
- your ability to feel joy
Because if you believe you’re fundamentally flawed, then nothing good feels like it actually belongs to you.
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Why It Feels So Hard to Forgive Yourself
Most people don’t talk about the things they’re carrying shame around. They’re afraid of what will happen if they say it out loud. Amber explained it this way:
“If I feel this way about myself, I can only imagine what other people are going to feel about me.”
So you keep it hidden.
You try to outrun it.
Outperform it.
Make up for it.
Or you just secretly carry it and stop expecting anything better. But silence doesn’t protect you from shame. It feeds it.
Julie put it plainly: “Shame keeps us silent… but it’s when you talk about it in a safe place that the shame actually starts lifting.”
Related: How to Build a Sober Support Network
The Difference Between Guilt and Shame (And Why It Matters)
If you’re trying to learn to forgive yourself, this distinction changes everything.
- Shame says: I am bad.
- Guilt says: I did something that doesn’t align with who I want to be.
Shame traps you. Guilt can move you forward.
Amber described it like this: “Shame is a dead end… there’s no room for growth. But guilt is opportunity.”
Julie added: “Guilt is fuel… it’s something you can use to change your behavior.”
That’s a completely different experience.
Guilt might feel uncomfortable, but it gives you somewhere to go. Shame just keeps you stuck.
What Self-Forgiveness Actually Looks Like
A lot of people think self-forgiveness is a one-time decision. Like you wake up one day and say, “I forgive myself,” and it’s done. But that’s not how it works. Forgiving yourself is a practice.
It shows up in moments like:
- Catching yourself in a spiral of self-criticism
- Reframing what you’re saying to yourself
- Owning when you’ve done something wrong and making it right
- Letting go of the need to keep punishing yourself
Steve shared a simple but powerful starting point: “Anytime I said something negative about myself, I followed it with something positive.”
At first, it felt forced. But over time, it changed his entire internal dialogue. That’s the work. It’s not perfection – it’s repetition.
You Are Not the Same Person Who Made Those Choices
One of the most freeing perspectives came from Amber:
“We’re constantly evolving… the version of me from years ago didn’t have the tools I have now.”
That version of you? They did the best they could with what they had.
Even if you hate what they did.
Even if it still hurts to think about.
Julie reflected on this, too: “You didn’t know better… you didn’t have another way to handle your life at that time.”
Self-forgiveness is recognizing:
- you’ve learned
- you’ve changed
- you’re not that person anymore
And choosing not to keep dragging that version of you into your present life.
Forgiveness Isn’t Saying It Was Okay
For some people, the hold up is that they think self forgiveness means saying what they did was okay. Julie addressed this directly:
“It’s not saying it’s okay… it’s saying I trust myself to do better now.”
That’s a completely different thing.
You can:
- acknowledge harm
- take responsibility
- make amends
And still choose to release the punishment.
Holding onto shame doesn’t prove it mattered, it just keeps you stuck swimming in it indefinitely. You don’t need to do that.
Related: You’re Never Going To Shame Yourself Into Being Sober
The Truth About Worthiness
At the core of all of this is one question: Am I still worthy, even after what I’ve done?
Amber answered that without hesitation: “Nothing you’ve done is so bad that it makes you unworthy of love.”
Worthiness isn’t earned. It’s something you already have. This is all about separating what you’ve done from who you are.
Forgiveness isn’t something you do for your past. It’s for your present. Because as long as you’re holding onto shame, you’re still living back there.
Steve said it in a way that cuts straight through it: “Withholding forgiveness is continuing to punish yourself over and over again.”
And you don’t have to keep doing that. You can decide:
- I’ve learned
- I’ve changed
- I’m not going to be that person again
And let that be enough.
Want to hear the full conversation?
This post is based on Episode 189 of No Alcohol Needed: the Podcast – “Learning to Forgive Yourself”.
Watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts / Spotify for more personal stories and insights from the hosts and guests.
- Learn to Forgive Yourself: How to Let Go of the Shame - April 22, 2026
- Why Nothing Feels Fun After Drinking (And How To Change That) - April 13, 2026
- Identity Crisis After Quitting Drinking: How To Find Yourself - April 6, 2026