Parenting teens and adult children is complicated under even the best circumstances. Add some mistakes caused by alcohol into the mix, and it can feel overwhelming.
In this episode, the conversation centers on a question that runs deep: how to parent teens and adult children after addiction -especially when guilt, fear, and past mistakes feel impossible to undo.
The truths in this episode are both hard and hopeful: the damage may be real, but so is the potential for repair.
Watch the full video here, or keep reading below for a summary of the conversation.
When Guilt Becomes the Loudest Voice
For many parents who have quit drinking, the hardest part isn’t staying sober… it’s facing what happened before.
The fog lifts and the reality sets in. As one guest shared, “When I kind of woke up and realized the damage that I had left behind me… I turned this to shame and self-hatred.”
That shame doesn’t stay silent. It shapes your behavior.
Some parents pull away, afraid of rejection. Others lean in too far, absorbing mistreatment because they believe they deserve it. Julie described her own internal dialogue: “I deserve this because I’m such a horrible mother.”
Different reactions, same root. The belief that past mistakes define what they’re allowed to ask for now.
And that belief is where things start to unravel.
The Trap of Trying to “Pay It Back”
One of the most painful patterns discussed in the episode is the idea that parents owe their children unlimited tolerance.
It makes sense on the surface. If you caused harm, shouldn’t you absorb whatever comes back? But that thinking creates a new kind of damage to a relationship you care about deeply.
As Sean put it bluntly, “Parents that let their kids get away with everything are equally as abusive… They don’t know how to interact with the world.” Without boundaries, kids don’t learn how relationships actually work. They don’t learn respect, accountability, or consequence.
And the parent? They slowly disappear inside their own life.
Julie shared a moment many parents will recognize. She set a simple boundary – basic respect and shared responsibility in the home. Her child left and cut off contact.
There was no clean answer. No version that didn’t hurt. That’s the part that’s hard to talk about.
Sometimes the choice is not between right and wrong.
It’s between two painful outcomes.
Related: Sober Parenting: the Teen Years
Why Boundaries Matter More Than Ever
When you’re building a life without alcohol, boundaries aren’t about control. They’re about survival.
They protect sobriety. They protect self-respect. They protect the relationship from turning into something fueled by resentment.
Sean reframed it in a way that shifts perspective:
“A boundary isn’t about making sure somebody honors it. It’s about you holding it.”
That distinction is important. Because when parents don’t hold boundaries, resentment builds. And resentment is dangerous -especially for someone trying to stay sober.
Julie described it clearly: living without boundaries can make you “not want to exist in your own life.” Boundaries are not punishment.
They’re protection. For both sides.
The Reality: There Is No Perfect Way Through This
If there’s one theme that runs through this conversation, it’s this:
No one handles this perfectly.
Not in early sobriety. Not years later. Christen said it best: “Nobody waltzes through parenting… you could be the most sober parent in the world and still not do it right.” There will be missteps. Emotional reactions. Conversations that don’t go well.
And still, progress happens. Not through perfection, but through consistency.
What Actually Rebuilds the Relationship
Repair doesn’t happen through one big conversation. It happens through patterns over time.
Several key themes came up again and again:
1. Consistency Over Intensity
Christen described writing her daughter a note every week. A steady, reliable presence.
Consistency is what rebuilds trust.
2. Creating Emotional Safety
Janice emphasized that repair starts with safety: “You can’t repair a relationship if you don’t feel safe with that person.”
That means predictable behavior. Calm responses instead of reacting defensively when uncomfortable things are said.
3. Not Taking It Personally
This one is harder than it sounds. When kids express anger or pain, it’s easy to turn inward. To defend. To shut down.
But as Steve explained, the moment you make their pain about you, “that safe space… disappears.” Staying present – even when it hurts – is what builds trust.
4. Willingness to Hear the Truth
Julie described this as fearlessness. Not the absence of fear, but the willingness to face it.
To hear things that hurt.
To stay in the conversation anyway.
To not run from the shame.
That’s where connection starts to rebuild.
How Long Does Repair Take?
Longer than most people want.
Sometimes much longer.
Janice shared that it took four years before meaningful progress began with one of her children. Sean referenced that deep trust repair can take up to seven or eight years.
That timeline is helpful to hear, because many parents give up too early. They assume the lack of immediate repair means it’s not working. In reality, it often just means it’s still unfolding.
When It Still Doesn’t Turn Out the Way You Hoped
Here’s what no one wants to hear:
Sometimes, even when you do everything right now… the relationship doesn’t repair. At least not yet. Sean said it directly: “They just might not feel safe… and that might not be ever.”
That doesn’t mean you failed. It means another person is on their own timeline.
And acceptance becomes part of the work.
What’s Possible on the Other Side
For many families, the story doesn’t end in distance. It evolves into something deeper than before.
Janice described moving from complete estrangement to strong, connected relationships with her kids.
Christen talked about the strength that comes from rupture and repair:
“The safety that’s brought into a relationship when repair happens is impossible to measure.”
And Sean framed the ultimate goal of parenting in recovery: “If my children call me when life is kicking them in the teeth… then I’ve won.”
When It Feels Like the Damage Is Already Done
This is where most parents get stuck. The belief that it’s too late. That what happened before defines what’s possible now. But as Julie reminds listeners, we are terrible predictors of the future.
You don’t know what the relationship will look like in a year. Or five. Or ten.
What you can control is simple:
Show up.
Stay consistent.
Do the next right thing.
Over and over and over again.
A Different Way to Measure Success
Success in parenting after addiction doesn’t look like a perfect relationship.
It looks like:
- Being someone your child can trust again
- Holding boundaries without losing yourself
- Staying present even when it’s uncomfortable
- Modeling resilience, honesty, and growth
It looks like building something that can actually last.
Get to know Christen, Janice, Mike and the rest of our No Alcohol Needed team: Meet the Voices of No Alcohol Needed
Want to hear the full conversation?
This post is based on Episode 186 of No Alcohol Needed: the Podcast – “When Guilt Gets In the Way: Parenting Older Kids“
Watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts / Spotify for more personal stories and insights from the hosts and guests.
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