“I miss alcohol.”
It can feel like a confession you’re not supposed to make, like you almost feel guilty saying it. You know why you quit. You’re glad you did. There are things about your life now that you wouldn’t trade for anything.
But you still miss sitting around with friends and a drink in your hand. You miss how easy it felt to relax. You miss having a way to turn down the noise in your head at the end of a hard day.
Then comes the second layer: If this was the right decision, why am I sad about it? Shouldn’t I be grateful? Does missing it mean I want to go back? Or… that I’m in danger of going back?
In this episode of No Alcohol Needed, Julie and Steve join Teresa McLellan and Martin Lockett for an honest conversation about grieving something you chose to leave behind. Alcohol is at the center of the discussion, but the experience reaches into relationships, jobs, and other parts of life that can be both right to leave – and painful to lose.
Choosing a different life doesn’t mean there was nothing good about the one you left.
Watch the full episode here, or keep reading the blog for a summary of the things we talked about.
It’s okay to admit there were good parts
Sometimes it feels like you’re only allowed to talk about alcohol as though every experience was terrible. Admitting that there were some really good can seem almost disloyal to the decision to quit.
Martin describes being naturally shy and finding that alcohol made social situations easier. He remembers the freedom of talking without constantly worrying about being judged. He can acknowledge missing that feeling while remaining clear about the devastating consequences of his drinking and why he won’t return to it.
Teresa’s experience is different. She doesn’t remember a history of comfortable, moderate drinking. What she misses is the familiarity of participating in something everyone else seemed to do. Not drinking meant having to think about situations she once moved through without question.
Julie remembers feeling like an outsider when she was the only person without a beer. She also remembers missing the escape alcohol offered when emotions became difficult.
Those are all different losses, but ones that many people feel. Being honest about them makes it possible to understand what actually feels like it’s missing.
You don’t have to pretend alcohol gave you nothing in order to acknowledge that it was costing you too much.
Sometimes “I miss alcohol” means “I miss who I was”
Steve describes missing the carefree version of himself: the courage, the social energy, the willingness to get up and go.
That can be a difficult part of quitting drinking. Alcohol may have become tangled up with your understanding of your own personality. You were the funny one, the adventurous one, the person who could talk to anybody. Without it, you might wonder what’s left… and if you can ever enjoy the new version of yourself.
Martin talks about the work of figuring out who he was apart from alcohol. Over time, sharing his story and serving his community became central to an identity he values deeply.
Teresa describes a process that continued to evolve. Parenting initially gave her a powerful reason to live differently. As her children grew, she needed to keep finding meaning beyond that role, too.
Building a new identity takes time. You may know you don’t want your old life back before your new life feels familiar or fulfilling. That in-between space can be wildly uncomfortable. It also leaves room to discover what you enjoy, what matters to you, and who you want to become.
Missing it doesn’t mean you made the wrong choice
One of the hardest parts of leaving something behind is knowing you could try to return. A good memory can quickly become an argument: Maybe it wasn’t that bad. Maybe things would be different now.
Martin describes coming back to the facts of his own experience. Remembering the freedom he felt while drinking means also remembering the behaviors, harm, and consequences that came with it. Looking at the whole picture helps him respond to a moment of longing without letting it rewrite his history.
Julie offers another way to approach the doubt: consider the choices that were actually available.
For her, continuing to drink meant continuing toward a life she didn’t want. Quitting meant facing uncertainty and working to build something different. The option she wished she had – drinking without the consequences – wasn’t one she could realistically choose. She recognizes the same pattern in leaving her marriage. She wanted the relationship to become what she needed. But she had to make a decision based on the relationship that existed.
Sometimes part of the grief is letting go of that imagined third option: the version where you keep everything you love and none of what hurts you.
What are you actually missing?
Later in the conversation, Julie shares a question she uses when grief comes up:
What need was being met that I’m missing now?
That question makes the feeling more specific. You might be missing comfort, connection, familiarity, relief, or a sense of belonging. Once you identify the need, you can ask how to meet it in your present life.
Julie gives a simple example: when she needs comfort, a hot cup of tea and an evening watching Gilmore Girls can help. It doesn’t resolve every painful feeling. It gives her a way to tend to the need underneath it.
Steve remembers baking bread in the early days. It gave him something to do, calmed some of the chaos, and offered a small sense of purpose.
Notice how ordinary those examples are? Finding something to move toward doesn’t require having your entire future mapped out. You don’t have to have some big, all encompassing solution. A tiny, meaningful next step can be enough for right now.
Related: The Fear of Missing Out After You Stop Drinking
When the sadness comes back
You might go months without missing alcohol, then find that a familiar setting or a difficult evening brings the feeling back.
The guests describe grief appearing in layers. A memory can reveal another part of what you lost. A change in your present life can make an old source of comfort seem appealing again.
That doesn’t mean you didn’t do the work right, or even that you missed something. It just means more has come to the surface.
The conversation offers several ways to give those feelings somewhere to go. Teresa and Julie talk about journaling. Steve describes writing, talking, and putting feelings into song lyrics. Martin emphasizes the value of another person’s perspective when your attention has narrowed to the good memories.
You can tell someone, “I miss it today.” You can write down what you’re longing for and what you remember about why you left. You can give yourself a quiet evening and take the next step tomorrow.
You don’t have to turn every sad moment into a new decision about whether to drink.
You can grieve your old life and keep building this one
There is room to be grateful and sad at the same time. To remember good experiences and acknowledge real harm. To miss a familiar version of yourself while getting to know the person you are becoming.
Near the end of the episode, Julie encourages listeners to trust the version of themselves who made the decision to leave. That person had reasons, experiences, and information that deserve to be remembered when doubt shows up. If you’re thinking, “I miss alcohol, even though I’m glad I quit,” you don’t have to shame yourself out of the feeling. You can get curious about it, share it with someone, and keep making choices that support the life you’re moving toward.
Listen to Episode 205 of No Alcohol Needed for the full conversation with Julie, Steve, Teresa McLellan, and Martin Lockett about missing alcohol, grieving an old identity, and finding something worth moving toward. Find it on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcasts.
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