Stress doesn’t usually announce itself like a calendar invite.
It shows up as tight shoulders while you’re loading the dishwasher. A racing mind in bed. That familiar pressure to “just get through today” and figure it out later. And for a lot of people who have chosen to stop drinking, it shows up with a second voice right behind it that says: You should be handling this better.
In Episode 178 of No Alcohol Needed, Julie Miller and Steve Knapp sit down with Janice Johnson Dowd and Amber Fenner to talk about stress and self-care in a way that actually feels useful. Not the Pinterest version of self-care. The version that keeps you steady when a pipe bursts, your weekend disappears, or your brain won’t stop spinning.
They start with the misconceptions most people carry, then move into what self-care looks like in real life when you don’t drink anymore and are still very human.
Watch the full episode on YouTube here, or keep reading below for a summary of the insights they shared.
The misconception: Self-care is “nice to have” after everything else is done
Julie opened by share what a lot of people feel but don’t always have words for.
Self-care gets treated like a reward. Something you earn only if you’ve been productive enough, helpful enough, responsible enough. And when someone suggests self-care as a stress tool, a lot of folks roll their eyes and say they already tried it, and it didn’t work.
Janice remembered thinking she was “good at life” because she could multitask and carry everything. In her mind, self-care meant exercise, and then later, “a glass of wine or four in the evening.”
Julie shared that she didn’t even hear the term “self-care” until around 2010, when she had little kids and felt constantly maxed out. When she finally encountered it, she assumed it meant bubble baths and candles. Luxury. Not necessity.
Amber related deeply, too. For her, self-care used to mean pampering, or isolating with alcohol and calling it “relaxing.” Even reading a book was paired with wine and distraction. There was nothing intentional about it. It wasn’t designed to support her mental health.
It was just an escape with a prettier label.
And Steve named a different barrier that hits a lot of men. Self-care felt “girly,” so he dismissed it entirely. Later, he realized self-care is also the simple stuff: brushing your teeth, shaving, keeping yourself well, building self-worth through the basics.
What stress used to look like: unavoidable, shameful, or everyone else’s fault
As they moved into stress, the conversation got honest fast.
Janice described her old belief as: stress is just part of being a mom, working, and juggling everything. It wasn’t something to solve, it was something to endure. The best solution she could imagine back then was being more organized, or maybe learning to say no.
Amber described stress through a totally different lens: victim mode. Everybody else was the problem. If everyone else would just get their act together, life would be easier. Stress became proof that the world was against her, which kept her stuck reacting instead of choosing.
Julie shared something many high-achieving women will recognize immediately: the shame about being stressed.
When her kids were young, she compared herself to other moms and assumed she was failing because she was drowning. She watched her husband seem unfazed by stress and decided that meant she was doing it wrong. The stress was hard enough, but the shame about the stress made it even worse.
She pointed out the flashing lights we should all learn to see: anytime we tell ourselves “I shouldn’t feel this,” the brain intensifies the emotion. The fight against stress becomes part of the stress.
Real-life stress doesn’t care how long you’ve been sober
One of the most grounding moments in the episode came from Janice’s story.
Nearly 13 years sober, she got a text from a neighbor: water was gushing from the side of her house during a deep freeze. Her brain went straight into panic. The old patterns showed up fast, the adrenaline, the racing heart, that sense of catastrophe.
She used her tools. She talked herself through it. She turned off the water. She called the plumber.
And still, the internal storm didn’t shut off. Even after she learned it was the sprinkler system, not a major plumbing disaster, her body stayed in overdrive for hours.
Janice connected that to something important: sometimes stress is not just about the current event. The current event is waking up old fear. Old helplessness. Old trauma.
Her self-care in that moment wasn’t a bath. It was action, journaling, therapy, and considering deeper mental health work like EMDR. She said it plainly: self-care is not just sleeping in and bubble baths. Sometimes it’s doing the hard, uncomfortable work that makes future stress less explosive.
Julie responded with something everyone needs to hear: nobody has mastered stress. This isn’t about never feeling it. It’s about practicing how to move through it.
Self-care that actually helps: match the tool to your nervous system
Julie shared a framework that made the conversation feel practical.
Sometimes stress shows up as hyperarousal: racing heart, sweating, blood pounding, jitters. When she hits that state, she needs something active, like going for a run.
Other times stress shows up as shutdown: numb, heavy, withdrawn, stuck on the couch. In that state, she needs something that lifts her back up, like calling a friend, reading, or doing something that brings energy back.
Same word, “stress.” Totally different internal state. Totally different tool.
Janice shared what helps her: deep breathing and somatic practices for the physiological side. And physically challenging self-care like hiking and backpacking, which gives her confidence and perspective. She reminded herself during the water incident, “You gave birth to four kids. You can handle a pipe burst.”
Amber shared self-care in a way that will land for a lot of listeners: learning to stop taking everything onto her plate.
She described how she used to pack Saturdays with every task so she could “relax” on Sunday, and then end up a “sack of potatoes” the next day, numb and scrolling because she’d overexerted herself. This weekend, she practiced something new: stopping when it was enough.
She knitted a face cloth she’d wanted to make for a long time. She split her chores across both days. She felt productive and rested. And the weekend felt slower in the best way because she was actually present.
Then she dropped one of the clearest stress truths in the entire episode:
Stressful situations don’t cause stress. The reaction to the situation causes stress.
Her self-care now includes building self-trust through evidence. She looks at her life and says: I’ve made it through hard things before. I can figure it out. I can ask for help. I’m capable.
That kind of internal rewiring lowers the volume inside, which makes the external world easier to handle.
The three types of self-care Julie wants you to plan for
Julie laid out three categories that help make self-care feel less vague:
- Daily habits that keep your nervous system regulated
- Weekly “boost” self-care when you have more time (a hike, the library, walking around town)
- Crisis self-care for when life hits hard (not just tragedy, but anything that spikes you)
Her point was simple: don’t wait until you’re drowning to figure out what helps. Make a list now. Know what you can reach for.
Janice added another layer: awareness and tracking. Checking off what you did. Noticing what you missed. Adjusting without shame.
She also named a self-care skill that often gets skipped: self-compassion. Learning to cut yourself a break. Talking to yourself the way you would talk to a friend.
What changes when you can handle stress differently
The episode closed with each person sharing the impact of everything they’ve learned about self care.
Janice said it first: less fear. More capacity, because daily and weekly self-care builds a “stress muscle.”
Amber described the biggest shift as less internal chaos. Lower volume on the inside means the outside chaos is more manageable. She also described how emotional it is to say to yourself, “I trust me.” Not performative. Real.
Julie shared how this work reduced her anxiety overall. Her anxiety used to be rooted in the fear of future stress: If something happens, I won’t be able to handle it. Learning to cope built self-trust. And self-trust changes everything.
Steve shared that he doesn’t blow up anymore. He doesn’t carry resentment. He doesn’t act out of spite to relieve stress. He said he no longer carries an “emotional backpack” that’s weighing him down everywhere he goes. Stress still happens, but it stays contained to the situation instead of bleeding into everything else. That gives him more capacity to play, show up, and live life.
And the episode ends with an invitation to listeners: share your self-care tips in the comments, because what works is personal, and hearing real ideas helps everyone.
A closing thought to take with you
If self-care has felt useless, it might not be because you’re doing it wrong.
It might be because you were handed one narrow version of it, and told it should work for every kind of stress.
This episode reminds you that self-care can be basic, practical, inconvenient, and still life-changing. Sometimes it’s movement. Sometimes it’s rest. Sometimes it’s a hard conversation. Sometimes it’s therapy. Sometimes it’s taking one thing off your plate. Sometimes it’s choosing “enough” before your body forces you to stop.
And over time, all of it adds up to something that looks like peace: not a life without stress, but a life where stress doesn’t run the whole show.
Want to hear the full conversation?
This post is based on Episode 178 of No Alcohol Needed – How to Handle Stress Without Alcohol.
Watch on YouTube or listen on Apple Podcasts / Spotify for more personal stories and insights from the hosts and guests.
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