Stress. Boredom. Anxiety. Loneliness. Emptiness.

These are the things we were trying to drink away.
And when we decide to quit drinking, we usually start trying to fix them.

We read about boundaries, try meditating, download a breathwork app, maybe get into cold plunges and 30-day challenges. We’re trying so hard to manage all these difficult emotions… but we’re missing the point.

We try to use coping skill bandaids to cover up the holes in our lives, so we can hurry up and get back to business as usual.

We’re trying to get better at tolerating our lives, instead of creating lives that aren’t just being tolerated.

Instead, you need to be asking:
Why are these feelings showing up in the first place?
What are they trying to tell you?

Almost always, they’re pointing to an unmet emotional need.

And if you don’t get to the root of those needs – if you just keep patching over the surface – you’ll stay stuck in the same loop: craving relief, gritting your teeth through the hard days, and wondering why things still feel so hard still.

If that sounds familiar, keep reading. This is the part that actually changes things.

The 9 Emotional Needs That Drive Everything

Our society tends to brush off emotional needs.

We act as though they’re optional. “Nice to have, but you’ll be fine without it.”

In recovery, we talk a lot about emotional triggers. But most of us never learn to name what we actually need in those moments.

Here are 9 basic emotional needs that every human has.

When they’re met in healthy, consistent ways, your cravings shrink. Your energy comes back. You stop feeling like you’re always one bad day away from drinking again.

Take a minute to reflect as you read – what’s missing for you right now?

1. Security

A sense of safety that lets you relax, grow, and be yourself.

This could be:

• Feeling physically and emotionally safe in your home.
• Trusting that you don’t have to fear physical or emotional harm.
• Having job security and a stable income.
• Feeling safe to express your beliefs and share your truth with the people in your life without fear of attack or judgement.

If you’re constantly on high alert, of course you’re craving something to take the edge off.

2. Autonomy (Volition)

Feeling in control of your life and choices.

Not constantly reacting to a life that’s happening to you, but recognizing that you can often impact how things turn out.

This shows up in:

• Being able to say no without feeling guilty.
• Choosing how you spend your time.
• Choosing to walk away from alcohol, despite what anyone else thinks.
• Deciding how to live based on your own values instead of always doing what’s expected.

When you feel powerless, drinking can feel like a way to regain some control. But real power comes from making choices that align with who you are and what you value.

3. Attention

Receiving and giving focused, meaningful attention.

It’s not just about being seen – it’s about being seen in a way that makes you feel valued.
And showing up for others in the same way.

This might look like:

• Feeling heard when you share your thoughts.
• Being acknowledged for your efforts.
• Showing up for a friend and knowing it helped.
• Stopping to listen to yourself instead of numbing or dismissing your needs.

We all need to feel like we matter.

4. Emotional Connection

Being deeply seen, known, and accepted.

You can be surrounded by people and still feel incredibly lonely if there’s no real connection.

This shows up in:

• A belly laugh with someone who gets you.
• A vulnerable conversation where both people show up honestly.
• Letting someone see the messy parts of you without first filtering it to look like you’ve got things mostly figured out… and letting them love and accept you exactly where you’re at.

If you keep chasing connection through social drinking or overextending yourself for approval, it might be time to look for a deeper kind of intimacy.

5. Community

Belonging to something bigger than yourself.

You’re wired for belonging. You’re not meant to do life (or recovery) alone.

This might mean:

• A group of people who understand your journey.
• Volunteering for a cause you care about.
• Joining a book club, faith group, or creative community.

Isolation fuels addiction. But belonging can fuel healing.

6. Privacy

Time, space, and the ability to process your life.

Not everything needs to be shared or posted or discussed.

Sometimes you just need:

• A walk alone to untangle your thoughts.
• A journal and a quiet morning.
• To sit with your feelings without numbing or distracting.

If you’re constantly running from silence, you might be uncomfortable with yourself. Isolation is dangerous, but being able to sit in healthy solitude is necessary.

7. Self-Worth (Status)

Knowing you hold value in your world.

This doesn’t mean chasing validation. It means truly knowing who you are, and believing you deserve to take up space.

This might show up as:

• Feeling appreciated by the people in your life.
• Being recognized for your contributions and meaningful achievements
• Speaking your truth even when it’s scary.
• Choosing to do less, instead of chasing validation.

When your worth feels wobbly, alcohol can seem like a shortcut to the confidence you wish you had. But real self-worth is built from the inside out.

(See also: How to Build Self Esteem in Recovery)

8. Achievement

Feeling capable and proud of what you’ve done.

Not for applause or hustle culture approval – but for your own sense of growth.

This might mean:

• Finishing something you started.
• Learning a new skill.
• Setting a goal and reaching it – even if it’s small.

Sobriety isn’t just about quitting drinking. It’s about building a life where you’re proud of who you are and how you show up.

9. Meaning and Purpose

Knowing you have the power to create positive, meaningful impact.

You don’t need to change the whole world. But you do need to feel like you’re taking part in making it better.

This could look like:

• Supporting someone else through something you’ve overcome.
• Creating or teaching or building something to share.
• Using your story to light the way for someone else.
• Taking the time to develop your talents, gifts, and passions.

You’re not here just to survive. You’re here to live.

(Check out this podcast episode: Facing Self Doubt and Finding Your Purpose)

This Is the Real Work of Sobriety

It’s not about having more discipline. It’s not about getting better at white-knuckling.

It’s about getting your needs met.

Look through these 9 needs again. Take out your journal and write about which ones feel unmet. Get curious. Be honest.

And then – start small. Pick one need to focus on this week. Life has a way of showing you which need requires your attention. What’s one action you can take this week to move closer toward having that need met?

Baby step after baby step, with each small action or change that you make, you’ll start seeing your life turn into something that no longer makes you wish you could escape.

That’s when you make the switch from surviving sobriety to thriving in sobriety. From sobriety…. to recovery.

---

If this article hit home, make sure you check out this one about “How to Stay Sober Long Term: Lessons From My Relapse and Recovery“

If you’re ready for more than just “being sober”…

…my weekly emails are a great place to start! Packed with insights, actionable tips, and some honest vulnerability, these emails are for women who put down the alcohol and are now asking, “What’s next?”—and want the answer to be something amazing.

I’m in!

We won’t send you spam. Unsubscribe at any time.

Built with Kit