What is self reflection, really?
Self-reflection is just what it sounds like—pausing to take a closer look at how you’re thinking, feeling, and acting, and asking yourself why.
It’s the process of noticing how you show up (both in your head and out loud), and gently digging into what’s behind it. It’s understanding why you do the things you do. When you notice behaviors that aren’t particularly healthy, working to understand where they come from opens up the opportunity to change that behavior.
And that has the potential to completely alter your life for the better.
Why honesty (even when it’s hard) is the first step
The hardest part of self-reflection? Being honest with yourself—even when it stings. Especially when it stings.
It’s being willing to admit to behaviors that feel cringey – because you can’t change them until you own them. It’s about taking responsibility for the way you show up in your life – even the ways you aren’t proud of. It’s learning to see your unhealthy behaviors as separate from your worth. We’ve all developed unhealthy behaviors over the years – we’ve all been in survival mode for a really long time. Those unhealthy behaviors were how we needed to protect ourselves.
But we’re not in the same place now that we were when we developed those behaviors.
Now it’s time to leave them behind.
Why self reflection matters in recovery
Recovery isn’t just about quitting drinking—it’s about creating a life that feels so good, you don’t want to numb it anymore. In my coaching program, I divide recovery into four distinct parts: building self worth, developing emotional intelligence, creating healthy relationships, and discovering your goals and purpose. Growth in each of these areas is necessary to create that life you’re after. And growth in each of these areas can only come from self reflection. As we alter our behaviors into ones that are in alignment with our values, we’ll find that our life continues to be filled with more peace, joy, and purpose.
And at the end of the day, that’s what we’re after, right?
How to start asking better questions
The process of self reflection is simple, though of course it’s not always easy.
The first step is to become aware of the unhealthy behavior or thought pattern. (More on that below.) Then, take out your journal, and start asking lots of questions.
- Why do I respond this way?
- Is there a story from my past that is causing me to repond this way now?
- What am I/was I feeling?
- How do I think this response will benefit me?
- How am I hoping my behavior or response will make me feel?
- How does it actually make me feel?
- What impact does it have?
- Is there something I’m NOT doing that I should be doing?
- What are some other potential ways I could respond?
- Which of those is most aligned with who I am becoming?
- How would this situation have turned out if I’d responded this way?
You don’t have to get it right. You just have to get curious.
Developing Awareness
If you’ve never learned to self reflect, it can be hard to know where to start. What are you looking for? How do you notice the behaviors and responses so you can even start asking the questions?
Below, I’ve listed four techniques for self reflection that I’ve used throughout my recovery journey. Each one has helped me recognize behaviors that were keeping me stuck, and allowed space for me to make some changes.
1. When someone else’s behavior drives you up a wall
I get unreasonably annoyed when I have to spend time with a know-it-all. You know the person I’m talking about – the one who always feels like they have to teach you something about every topic that comes up in a conversation. They think they have all the answers and they talk so much that they hijack the whole conversation.
Here’s the catch: I’m a know-it-all, too! It took me a long time to realize it, but the reason that behavior drove me so crazy? It was because it mirrored a trait I was carrying too. It didn’t feel good to admit that, at first. But once I did, I could be aware of it and start showing up in conversations differently. The result? I learned how to listen more and talk less. People actually started enjoying talking to me, and friendships became much healthier.
The next time you notice a trait about someone that gets under your skin, ask yourself… is this a reflection of something I do?
2. When you’re sure it’s all their fault
In one relationship in particular, that really isn’t very healthy, I noticed how much I blamed the other person. “She never asks me about things in my life. She is always judging me and talking down to me. She makes it impossible to really connect.” I had a long list of reasons why she was the cause of the problems in the relationship. But here’s the hard truth (and this isn’t gonna feel good): there is no relationship where 100% of the blame falls on one person.
The question to ask here is, “What part of these issues is my responsibility? What changes can be made that I hold in my control?”
The list of potential answers is long, but consider things like:
- Feeding into their unhealthy behavior (gossip, judging others, etc.)
- Not setting necessary boundaries
- Trying to be liked more than trying to be real
- Always comparing your life to theirs
- Seeking validation
- Avoiding conflict at the expense of your own wellbeing
These are just a few ways you might be showing up that are reflective of some work that needs to be done. Often, issues like self worth, conflict avoidance, and envy are far more noticeable in relationships with others.
3. When you can’t stop thinking about something you did
So I do this thing that I’m really not proud of. And I’ve made huge progress over the years, but I’m still guilty of it from time to time.
Someone will text me. And I don’t text back right away because I want to think about how I’ll respond for a while. Or I just procrastinate it because it feels uncomfortable to formulate a response. And then I don’t respond… for days. Sometimes weeks. Until it gets to the point where it would just be awkward if I responded now. So I never respond.
And then I feel guilty about it.
We all have those things – the things that suddenly pop up when we’re in the shower, or lying in bed at night – that just make us cringe a little bit. Make us wish we’d done something differently. When one of those things shows up for you, take the time to ask some questions about it.
4. When someone says something that stings
These moments aren’t always indicative of a behavior that needs to change, but often, our responses can tell us a lot about ourselves. Humans are imperfect, and even the kindest and most well-meaning people will occasionally say something that stings. Our reaction can go many different ways: anger, hurt, self deprecation, shame, defensiveness, aggressiveness. Take a moment to look inward and ask: What’s my self-talk like right now? What old stories might be fueling this reaction? What can you learn here so you can rewrite your responses going forward – and find parts of you that need some healing?
Final thoughts: Curiosity over shame, always
Noticing parts of ourselves we wish were different often stirs up shame. And yeah—it’s uncomfortable. One technique for self reflection that has helped me is to step back from the situation, and look at it as an outsider would. Kind of like I’m watching a movie. What’s happening here? Oh interesting, I wonder why she acted that way?
Approach self reflection with a sense of curiosity and grace – not of shame and accusations.
We have all come by these unhealthy behaviors honestly. If you take a moment to look back, you’ll realize it makes perfect sense why you act the way you do. You’re just in a place now where you’re ready to take your power back, and show up intentionally in a way that is aligned with your values.
This work is hard – but it’s also the beginning of freedom. You don’t have to figure it all out alone. Reach out if you’re ready to go deeper.
Julie Miller, RCP is a certified recovery coach. After a decade of too much drinking, she found her way into an alcohol free life and is now thriving. Her recovery is founded in overcoming shame, finding her authentic self, and creating a life so full there’s no space left for alcohol. Through her coaching, podcasting, and the recovery community she has built, Julie has found her purpose in helping others find their way out of addiction and into a meaningful, purpose filled life of freedom.