The most frustrating thing about sobriety is when you fight your way through the cravings, you get to 60 or 90 or 120 days sober… and you’re really just not happy. You’re not having fun, and it doesn’t really feel like you’re enjoying life.

Another morning without a hangover, but instead of celebrating, you’re sitting in front of your cup of coffee thinking, “This is it? This is my reward for all the hard work I’ve done?” It all feels like a let down. And that let down sounds a lot like, “Maybe it’s not really even worth it.”

You hear people talk about how much happier they are – social media posts filled with “I love being sober! Sobriety feels amazing!” And you’re over here wondering what you’re missing, why you aren’t floating on that pink cloud the way they are.

What aren’t they telling you?

Sobriety itself doesn’t make you happier. It’s what you do with it that does.

5 Simple Ways to Bring More Joy Into Your Life Now That You’re sober.

Not everything is fun without alcohol – and that’s okay.

I was talking with a woman who just came back from a cruise and hated it. She was miserable the whole time, staying in her room and reading and relaxing and trying to make the most of a situation that just wasn’t fun. Everything on the cruise was focused on alcohol. The ship even smelled like alcohol. (::gag::) The hallways reeked of spilled margaritas, and everywhere she turned someone was waving around a sloshing cocktail. Surrounded by a bunch of people who were perma-buzzed, she was constantly reminded that she doesn’t drink anymore—leaving her feeling left out and annoyed. Instead of coming home refueled, she returned with a lingering sense of disappointment

In contrast, I just got home from a week long vacation in Costa Rica. We traveled to a small town in the south (away from the tourist destinations of the north) and we spent the week exploring the village, enjoying fresh fruit smoothies from the local ‘sodas’, surfing and kayaking and walking along the beach at sunset. Alcohol played no part in the whole experience. The fun came naturally – it wasn’t forced or fake. It was the kind of joy that doesn’t require a drink in hand to exist.

When you quit drinking, some things (like hanging out with drunk people) just aren’t going to be fun. Instead of trying to force yourself to have fun in places that don’t fit anymore, start filling your life with experiences that actually light you up.

Set small goals every week, and prioritize meeting them.

Having goals creates action. Action builds momentum. Momentum fuels ambition and motivation.

Life without ambition and motivation feels dull and meaningless. It feels like you’re floating through life – like you’re drifting without direction. Before long it can start to feel hopeless, like you’re a passenger in your own life, without any control over what happens.

It’s time to take the wheel.

Grab your journal and do a quick check-in: What areas of your life don’t feel quite right? Where do you feel stuck? Friendships? Work? Your home? The way you spend your free time? Pick one area and set a tiny goal to make it better this week. Of course, you also have much bigger goals – but breaking them down into bite sized chunks lets you get some instant gratification accomplishments that keeps you motivated to keep going.

Tiny goals will start stacking up to create huge positive changes in your life.

Don’t expect to always feel good.

If you’re expecting to always feel good now that you’re sober, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

The human condition dictates that we will feel the entire range of emotions.

Some days, you’ll feel light and full of joy. Other days, you’ll wake up with a pit in your stomach, weighed down by frustration, grief, or just an unshakable sense of blah. One of the worst things you can do when you’re feeling down is to pile guilt on top of it by telling yourself you ‘should’ feel happier. That only makes hard days even harder.

Emotions are messengers. The difficult ones usually show you what changes you need to make in your life, or what skills you need to develop. The goal isn’t to never feel negative or difficult emotions. The goal is to be able to experience the entire range of emotions while staying in control of how you respond to them.

Instead of trying to avoid the hard things, work to strengthen your skills—like self-compassion, setting boundaries, or sitting with discomfort—so you can navigate them with greater ease.

Create things to look forward to.

For many of us, alcohol provided the sense of anticipation that made life feel exciting. That made it worth waking up in the morning.

Life is most fulfilling when you have things to look forward to. If you’re anything like me, that used to look like anticipating the after-work glass(es) of wine; looking forward to the girls’ night or party where drinks would be the main event; or even just going out to dinner with your family – tacos and margaritas, anyone?

When you take alcohol out of the equation, those things don’t feel so exciting anymore.

Replacing that sense of excitement takes effort—way more effort than opening a bottle of wine. But effort pays off. And with greater effort comes greater reward.

The most effective way to create things to look forward to is to make a list of self care activities that you really enjoy. Schedule them into your day, so you know they’re coming. Try a new hobby, sign up for a class, plan a weekend getaway, or start a weekly dinner tradition with friends. Whatever it is that you’ll enjoy, that will fill your cup and recharge you – add more of that into your life, and prioritize making those things happen the way you used to make sure you always got the drink you were anticipating.

You’ll find that as you start planning and creating things to look forward to, your sense of joy will increase exponentially. Your happiness isn’t something you wait for—it’s something you create.

Surround yourself with people who are going the same direction you are.

Take a moment and think about the five people you spend the most time with. Are they pushing you forward—or holding you back?

When I finally took an honest look at many of my friendships, it hit me hard. Most of our time together was spent drinking, gossiping, or rehashing the past. I wasn’t surrounded by people growing—I was surrounded by people staying exactly the same. No wonder I felt stuck.

Look around at your friend group. How many of them are spending their time and energy on growth and personal development? How many of them are actively taking charge of their lives and living with intention? If you’re focused on sobriety, growth, and healing, you need people around you who are too.

You don’t necessarily have to ditch all your old friends, but you do need to find some new ones that support the direction you’re headed. As adults, we often fall into friendships out of convenience—co-workers, neighbors, the parents of our kids’ friends—without stopping to ask: Do these relationships actually support who I’m becoming?. When you adopt a growth-focused state of mind, developing friendships with intention becomes a necessity. Put yourself in places where you will meet people that are going the same direction you are. Find the courage to kindle friendships, and invest in them.

When you invest in valuable, purpose-driven friendships, you’re investing in yourself and your own growth.

Growth is hard. But the right people won’t just understand it—they’ll inspire it.

A fulfilling life doesn’t happen by accident.

It happens with intentionality. It happens with action. And sometimes, it happens even when you don’t feel like it.

I get it. I’ve been there. I’ve literally had to drag myself up off the couch to go do something I knew would be good for me, because there was no part of me that wanted to. But ya know what? I felt So. Much. Better when I did.

Action creates momentum. Momentum fuels motivation. It’s time to get the ball rolling.

If you’re ready for more than just “being sober”…

…my weekly emails are a great place to start! Packed with insights, actionable tips, and some honest vulnerability, these emails are for women who put down the alcohol and are now asking, “What’s next?”—and want the answer to be something amazing.

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