In 2019, I quit drinking—because the life I was living wasn’t one I could survive much longer.

It had been a long time coming. The wine was sneaking into my day earlier and earlier. Some days I was drinking at lunch time to make it easier to get through the afternoon. If I wasn’t actually drinking, I was thinking about it – what could I use as an excuse to run to the store? How many drinks could I have at dinner without anyone thinking I had a problem? Where was that bottle of whiskey I’d hidden? How much could I drink tonight and still be able to function tomorrow?

It takes up so much space in your head, doesn’t it?

After a particularly miserable day that involved sneaking room temperature box wine off the counter at 10 am while my kids were outside, the shame settled deep in my heart. I knew it was time. Then and there, I decided I would stop. I called my husband at work, told him I had to quit drinking. I told one or two other people. And that was that.

I lasted fourteen months.

The people I had told all thought I was doing it for health reasons. I wasn’t honest about the fact that I’d developed a serious drinking problem. And outside of those people, I never told a soul. I didn’t want anyone to know. I was so ashamed that I’d gotten to the point that I had. My plan was to quit quietly, and let it be my little secret.

But that’s not how it works.

When you quit drinking alcohol but don’t make any other changes in your life, long term sobriety is nearly impossible. And it’s guaranteed to be miserable.

I spent fourteen months white knuckling it, making it through birthdays and holidays and county fairs and raising two teenagers. It felt anything but fulfilling. Even at fourteen months, it still seemed like I was barely hanging on by a thread. Always wishing I could drink, always sad that I couldn’t. Trying to pretend it wasn’t a big deal on the outside, but inside my mind was reeling with feelings of fomo, grief, and shame.

And then one day – not even a particularly bad day, just a day – I went downstairs to look for the beer my husband had left behind when he went out of town. I stood in front of the fridge, staring at that beer like it was an old friend I wasn’t sure I could trust. And then I drank it.

It didn’t feel like a big deal. I enjoyed the taste, and that familiar warmth it brought to my belly. I finished the can, and took a nap. All was well. I didn’t want more. That one drink felt like enough.

I decided I must ‘cured’ and could drink normally now.

But I’ve never seen it actually go like that – not for a single person. And I was no exception. It took a while – but over the course of 6 months my drinking had ramped back up to where it was before I quit, and even worse. And when I went through a particularly devastating loss of a beloved dog, all bets were off. I started drinking to numb the pain, and I went from “problem drinking” to completely out of control, with no desire to stop.

It took another 6 months – and nearly burning down my life – to quit again.

Why My First Attempt at Sobriety Didn’t Stick

Why You Can’t Go It Alone

Sobriety without support isn’t sustainable. I didn’t ask for help because I was too ashamed to let anyone know how much I was struggling. I felt like a failure. Like there was something wrong with me. I felt like I had to figure it out for myself, because I was a strong, capable, independent woman. But all I did was hold myself hostage and make myself even more lonely that I needed to be. I had no direction, no support, and felt so alone.

The most important thing you can do when you decide to go sober is to find your tribe. Surround yourself by people who are going the same direction you are.

Putting Yourself First Isn’t Selfish—It’s Required

It feels so foreign to put yourself and your needs first. Most of us are taught to always put others’ before ourselves. But that’s part of the reason we’ve gotten into this mess. Most of my life, I only took care of myself if there was time leftover after everyone else’s needs were met. Life doesn’t work that way in sobriety.

Putting your own needs first means you have the energy to show up for the people you love in meaningful ways. When you’re always showing up with nothing left to give (like most of us did for so long) you end up resenting your loved ones for continually needing more and more of you. When you take care of yourself first, you’re refueling and setting boundaries and showing up in healthy ways. Everybody wins.

You’re Not Broken—You’re Buried

Figuring out who you are without alcohol is paramount. You’ve likely buried your authentic self under layers and layers of people pleasing, trauma, and perfectionism. When you stop drinking, it’s common to feel like you don’t even know who you are. It can be a long – but necessary – process of discovery to unearth your true self and start letting her show up in your life.

And when that happens, everything starts to change. You realize your drinking wasn’t really about the alcohol at all.

Self-Love Is the Key (Not the Reward)

You can’t just find yourself… you have to fall in love with yourself. Most of us tried to hide all the ‘bad’ parts of ourselves. Always tried to ‘fix’ them, make ourselves better. Make ourselves good enough to deserve to be loved. But that’s not how self worth works. Self worth means you learn to love yourself exactly as you are – flaws and weaknesses included.

You don’t have to get ‘good enough’ to deserve love. You already do. And that self worth is what will make self improvement a real possibility (which includes lasting, long term sobriety.)

Radical Honesty Is the Path Forward

Sobriety takes a level of honesty you probably aren’t used to. You’re going to have to admit things you really don’t want to admit. You’ll need to take responsibility for things that you wish you didn’t have to. Sobriety is all about self-agency. It’s about believing you really do have the ability to impact how your life turns out. You have the ability to choose every action that you take. You aren’t just at the mercy of what life throws at you and what your natural responses are. Taking responsibility for that stuff is hard. It’s intimidating. Sometimes it’s easier just to let life happen to you, and let it be what it is.

But you deserve better than that.

Speaking Up Is Sobriety Work

You’re going to need to start speaking up. Most of us were taught to keep our mouths shut and just deal with whatever was handed to us. Keep the peace. Avoid conflict. Just keep everyone happy at all cost. Even if you were the one paying the price. When you’re mistreated; when your boundaries are crossed; when you have a need that’s not being met – it’s your job to speak up and communicate it. Not speaking up for yourself just leaves you feeling resentful. That resentment adds up, little bits at a time.

And we all know where that leads

If Alcohol Is an Option, It Will Always Win

If alcohol is on the table as a coping mechanism, it will always be the first place you turn. When we are going through something hard, we want the easiest coping method possible. Even when I thought I was “moderating”, all bets were off when I lost my dog. I no longer cared about moderation. I just knew I wanted to stop the pain as quickly as possible.

If alcohol isn’t an option, you’ll find that you turn to other coping skills. The healthier ones that you’ve been practicing. They might take more effort, but the result will be so much better. You’ll be able to move through the hard thing insead of just numbing it. But in order for you to turn naturally toward a healthier coping skill, alcohol can not be an option.

Getting Sober Is just the beginning.

So if you’re in early sobriety—or trying to find your way back to it—let my story be a soft place to land. You don’t have to learn everything the hard way. You don’t have to do it alone.

Sobriety isn’t just about putting down the drink. It’s about picking yourself back up. Again and again if you have to. With support. With compassion. With the belief that you are worth saving.

Because you are. And the life that’s waiting for you? It’s so much better than the one you’re barely surviving.

For further reading:

4 Reminders for Overcoming Shame when you realize you have a drinking problem.

Start Shifting The Shame to Self-Love so that lasting sobriety becomes a real possibility for you.

When You’re Ready to Get Honest, but you don’t quite know where to start.

If you’re ready for more than just “being sober”…

…my weekly emails are a great place to start! Packed with insights, actionable tips, and some honest vulnerability, these emails are for women who put down the alcohol and are now asking, “What’s next?”—and want the answer to be something amazing.

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