It wasn’t so much an issue of not having friends.
I was surrounded by people. The problem was that even though there were plenty of people in my life, I still felt this massive void of loneliness. I still had this feeling that I was doing life completely alone. That no one would be there for me if I really needed them. That no one really even knew me.
I mean, I suppose that’s fair. I didn’t even really know me.
In order to show up in a friendship in a way that actually creates connection, you’ve gotta know yourself.
But there’s more to it than that. There’s this level of honesty that you need to have with yourself. A willingness to look inward and acknowledge some things that don’t feel very good to admit.
It took a while for me to realize that often times… I was the problem. I had no idea how to actually be a friend. I’m gonna be honest and tell you that some of this stuff is hard to write. It doesn’t feel good. I also think it’s important that I share what I’ve learned about myself, because with all my heart, I want you to find your way into some fulfilling friendships.
Loneliness is an epidemic in this country. And if I can help offset that just a little bit, I’m going to share my experiences.
Mistake #1: I wanted An Audience, Not a Friend
I spent my whole life living for external validation. Everything I did revolved around getting people to notice me, and tell me that I was good enough. It’s kind of a terrible way to live. It’s also a terrible way to be a friend.
I was constantly looking for new “friends” – people I could impress, people who would look up to me and respect me. I lived for the hustle, always achieving, and then telling everyone about it.
Social media was great for this.
I could take pictures of all the things I did and post about them, and then watch the comments come pouring in. “You’re so talented! You’re such a good mom! I don’t know how you do it all!” Each of those comments really saying to me, “You’re worthy! You’re good enough!”
But that’s not friendship.
What I’ve learned: Having one or two close friends is plenty. I don’t need a whole crowd of friends to perform for anymore, because I’ve learned how to be enough for ME.
Mistake #2: I Never Let the Walls Down
The first time I read Brene’ Brown’s book I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn’t), I felt seen.
I identified with so much in that book. The desperate need for connection. Always feeling like I needed to look like I had it all together. Wondering what the heck was wrong with me that I felt so lonely all the time. For the first time, I realized that the way I was feeling was actually quite common, and I really wasn’t alone at all. And even better: For the first time, I felt like I could actually make some real progress in having the confidence to build some friendships.
She talks about autheticity, and connection – and I’m over here like, “Yes! This is the stuff I need! I am so in!” And then I got to the part about vulnerability. Wait… you’re telling me I have to talk about the stuff in my life that I’m usually working hard to hide? Yeah… nah. I’m good, thanks.
She’s right though. To create meaningful connections, you’ve gotta let people see under that freshly polished exterior, and see the stuff that (if you’re anything like me) you’ve been hiding for basically your whole life. If you avoid talking about the real stuff, you’re going to be stuck talking about the weather, what your kids did last week, and who Nancy from down the street got caught sleeping with this time.
You might be entertained for awhile, but it’s not gonna fill that giant void of loneliness that’s lurking in front of you.
I’ll never forget the first time I told someone I was really having a hard time quitting alcohol. I was mortified. No one wants to talk about having a drinking problem. But I was met with so much kindness and compassion. That was the day I really discovered the value of connection.
It completely changed my life.
Mistake #3: I Couldn’t Handle Conflict or Criticism
Over the course of my life, I developed the (painfully incorrect) belief that conflict and criticism are bad. That they equal not being good enough, which triggers shame. And I spent most of my energy avoiding feeling shame at all cost.
A truly good friend is one who will tell you when they see unhealthy behaviors that you probably need to take a closer look at. When they’re getting frustrated and resentful, and boundaries have been crossed, good friends are the ones that bring it up with you so things can be worked on. Because they care about you and they want to keep the relationship healthy, but they aren’t willing to keep dealing with things as they are.
This is what killed the most important friendship I ever had.
She was totally right – I was being completely toxic. It was affecting my marriage, my parenting, and my friendship with her. But I couldn’t stand to listen. I couldn’t handle the deep shame I felt when she shared what she was seeing. So I shut down, retreated inside of myself, and quickly ended the friendship.
It remains one of my deepest regrets.
Most of us aren’t taught how to handle conflict or criticism. It’s not something that comes naturally. It’s something we learn – hopefully from emotionally healthy parents or other adults, when we’re young. But so many of us never learned. Instead of learning to hear and process criticism and use it to inspire growth, we find ourselves drowning in shame and wanting to make it go away – whatever that looks like.
And our relationships are suffering because of it.
The most important part of this section: conflict and criticism, when handled in a healthy way, actually create space for even deeper connection. They make relationships stronger. It’s time to stop avoiding them.
Mistake #4: I Wanted to ‘Fix’ Everyone
One of the hardest skills to learn when you’re trying to be a better friend is how to stop fixing – and just listen.
Especially if you’re a ‘fixer’, like me.
I remember sitting with a friend who was going through a really tough time. The kind of thing where nothing is going to make it better – where she just had to sit with it. That helpless feeling I had as I sat with her while she cried made me want to crawl out of my skin. But I knew there was nothing I could do. So I sat with her, and I listened when she talked, and I didn’t try to fix anything at all.
And as the tears finally subsided, she turned to me and said, “Thanks for just sitting here with me.”
That was all she needed.
That moment taught me something I’ll never forget: sometimes, the most healing thing we can offer isn’t advice. It’s our presence.
It’s all born from a place of wanting to help. Of wanting to feel needed and useful. But it’s not helpful when we’re trying to connect with someone. When every word out of our mouth is a “helpful suggestion” or our unsolicited opinion, we’re not leaving space for any real connection.
Even if it’s coming from care, it can feel like we think they’re doing it wrong—or worse, that we’re desperate to prove our worth.
Neither is a good look.
The truth is, most people don’t want to be fixed. They want to feel seen. And being a good friend means learning to hold space, not hold the answer.
Tip: If you tend to be a ‘fixer’, brush up on your active listening skills, and practice putting them to good use.
Mistake #5: Not Communicating Needs or Expectations
All of us have needs and expectations when it comes to friendships. It’s normal, it’s healthy, and it’s human.
Somewhere along the line, many of us learned to ignore our needs. To shove them under the rug, hide them in the corner, and pretend they don’t exist. God forbid we come across as needy or demanding. And besides, aren’t we always supposed to put others’ needs and expectations before our own?
It turns out… no. Actually, we’re not.
What I hear from women I work with is, “All I want is to be treated how I treat others, but no one seems to be able to do that!”
It makes total sense. You treat others with care, generosity, and respect. Of course you want that in return.
But here’s the thing—sometimes what we’re giving in a relationship is actually what we need most. And the other person? They’re probably doing the same thing. So you end up with two people, each trying to show up in the best way they know how… and both feeling like their needs aren’t being met. It’s totally normal to have different needs. Some people need daily texts; others are good with a catch-up coffee once a month. Some want emotional support with every hard thing, and others just need quiet presence.
The only way to really know what someone needs—or let them know what you need—is to talk about it.
Unspoken needs and expectations lead to resentment. And resentment left unaddressed can slowly rot the foundation of a friendship.
Yes, it’s vulnerable. Yes, it might feel awkward if you’ve never done it before.
But expecting someone to read your mind? That’s not fair.
We get stuck in the trap of believing everyone has the same needs we do. And when they don’t—we feel hurt or disappointed. Clear communication doesn’t guarantee your needs will always be met. But it does give your friendships the best possible chance to be real, mutual, and lasting.
And here’s The Thing…
At the root of each of these mistakes? Insecurity. Fear of not being enough. Fear of being too much.
The more you build self-worth, confidence, and a strong sense of who you are, the easier it gets to show up with authenticity in your relationships.
When you feel solid in yourself, you stop needing to prove, perform, or pretend—and that’s where true connection begins.
For those of us who are creating a new life, sans alcohol, building healthy friendships is key to creating connection and overcoming loneliness. It’s not just about removing alcohol—it’s about replacing it with authentic relationships. By being vulnerable, communicating our needs, and showing up as our true selves, we open the door to friendships that nourish us and support our recovery.
If you’re still working on building your self worth and confidence, make sure you check out this blog post: 7 Ways High Achieving Women Sabotage Their Self Worth
Julie Miller, RCP is a certified recovery coach. After a decade of too much drinking, she found her way into an alcohol free life and is now thriving. Her recovery is founded in overcoming shame, finding her authentic self, and creating a life so full there’s no space left for alcohol. Through her coaching, podcasting, and the recovery community she has built, Julie has found her purpose in helping others find their way out of addiction and into a meaningful, purpose filled life of freedom.
Thank you for your personal thoughts and wise message. I always look forward to read you.
I’ve have enjoyed reading your blogs – thanks for posting!