In 2021, my life was fully out of control.

No one could really tell… I was still doing all the things I normally did, I was still showing up in my life. But mentally, I was crumbling. The negative self talk that used to be just background noise was front and center. “I’m such a failure. So worthless. My family deserves better.” I was barely dragging myself out of bed, drinking high-ABV IPA’s by 10 am, and maintaining just enough of a buzz to get through the day without falling apart, before switching to whiskey on the rocks after dinner.

Long gone were the “wine mom” days.

It wasn’t fun anymore. It wasn’t that romantic, sophisticated drinking anymore. I was doing my level best to stay numb enough all day long that I didn’t have to deal with the mental/emotional dumpster fire was broiling beneath the surface. Any coping skills I had were long gone, replaced by the burn of whiskey. I knew what was happening. What had happened. I had tried to quit drinking, but just couldn’t make it stick.

I couldn’t deal with the reality of my life, the reality of my feelings.

And that realization comes with a huge pile of shame. “I can’t believe I ended up this way. I should be stronger than this. I should be better than this.” Shame always, ALWAYS tells us, “This is horrible, and it makes me unlovable. I must do whatever it takes to not let anyone find out.” And my way of making sure no one ever knew how bad things really were was to post beautiful pictures and stories on Facebook, telling the story of an idyllic life filled with homeschooling, horses, gardens, and adventure.

I kept doing more and more, so I’d have the pictures and stories to prove that I was doing just fine.

I was so not fine.

I was on medication for depression and anxiety. More than once, I got drunk and passed out in the middle of the day while my children were doing their school work in the living room. I had a full blown breakdown three days before we left on a vacation to Hawaii and told my husband I wanted to die.

In a moment of desperation, fueled by just a smidgen of hope, I made the choice to put a stop to the chaos.

I knew the alcohol had to go, and I knew I was going to have to fight like hell to break free from it. But I knew the social media was destroying me, too. If I was really going to take my life back, I was going to have to walk away from both. I was going to have to face my reality, and stop using Facebook to hide from it.

Even the thought of life without my two favorite methods of escape was terrifying.

But I did it anyway.

Here’s what happened.

I was forced to find real connection

Facebook created (for the most part) a false sense of connection. It was my go-to cure for the deep loneliness I felt, and I didn’t realize how much it was actually leaving me feeling more lonely. Spoiler alert: posting pictures of a fake-perfect life and having people tell you how amazing you are is, in fact, not really friendship.

Removing social media meant I had to face the loneliness head on, and start finding people to build real friendships with. The kind of friendships where you talk about the hard stuff, the real stuff, and you’re met with compassion and empathy. Friendships that make you feel safe to just be yourself, without putting on any kind of show to hide behind.

I discovered (and Rekindled) My hobbies and passions

Without alcohol and social media, I had hours of free time each day. The result was a version of boredom I hadn’t experienced in years. I wandered around my house, restlessly looking for things to do. When you’re used to dumping alcohol on boredom, that feeling makes you want to crawl out of your skin.

It turns out, boredom begets creativity.

As a homeschool mom, I knew this. But I had never applied it to my own life. I had hobbies… or well, I did, until alcohol became my only hobby. So many of the things I’d previously enjoyed weren’t happening anymore, traded in for hours spent on the couch drinking and scrolling Facebook. The hobbies I did hold onto were ones I could take pictures of and post on my profile to show everyone how great my life was. (How gross is that? Ugh. But it’s true.)

Slowly but surely, some of those old hobbies started coming back.

I started writing again. I picked sewing back up with a reignited passion. I dove deep into personal growth and development, finally looking inward and understanding myself. I journaled like it was my job. I finally taught myself to play the 120-year old piano I’d been given a few years prior. I started going on long hikes alone, pushing myself physically and mentally in ways that completely changed me. I started hosting support groups for other people who were quitting drinking, and even started a podcast about what my journey to recovery looked like.

These hobbies reconnected me to myself.

I learned How To Cope With My Emotions

Well, I started learning, anyway.

I’m not gonna tell you that in one year, I mastered the art of dealing with emotions. But I got a whole lot better at it.

When my sober journey started, I was drowning in grief. Insecurity was the driving force behind everything I did, fueled by anxiety and low self worth. The emotional weight I carried, mixed with the complete inability to cope with any of it, meant that every little thing that happened in my day to day life had the potential to send me overboard.

A flat tire. A fight with my teenager. A burned dinner. An overly busy schedule. Things normal people could cope with would rocket me into a swirling mess of anger and frustration and self hatred and burnout.

Sobriety forced me to learn how to cope with those feelings without totally losing my shit.

It wasn’t pretty. There were days that “coping” looked like eating a pound of Skittles while crying on the bathroom floor. But eventually I learned that I could survive all the emotions I felt without drinking them away. And as time went on, I got better and better at dealing. Those little things that completely threw me didn’t feel so impossible to deal with anymore.

I Learned Why I was the Way I Was

I couldn’t have told you, when I first started, that I was using Facebook as a way to cope with my low self worth, social anxiety, and insecurity.

That took a lot of journaling, talking to those really cool new friends, reading books, and a lot of wandering alone in the mountains reflecting on my thoughts and actions.

But once I realized that was what was happening, I was able to start dealing with those actual problems.

I had so many old beliefs about myself and about the world that were fueled by the people I spent my time with, my own negative thought patterns, and the social media where I spent so much of my time. Beliefs like – I must be high achieving and productive in order to be loved; my children always must be well behaved and be exceptionally well educated for me to be a good enough mother; expressing negative emotions made me weak and ‘dramatic’; and of course, that alcohol was a necessary part of a fun, relaxed life.

Our subconcsious beliefs run our lives. Once I started recognizing they existed, I could start undoing them and forming my own beliefs. And that was a game changer.

My Self Esteem Improved

It’s been said that self worth comes from keeping promises to yourself.

I promised myself I’d quit drinking, and I finally did. I promised myself I’d start genuinely showing up in my life, and I followed through. I started treating myself with love, instead of quietly hiding behind my shame.

Social media had me constantly comparing my life to those of others’. Always looking for all the ways I didn’t measure up. It was a perpetual reminder of all of my shortcomings. Everywhere I turned, it felt like people were happier, more beautiful, and more successful. Leaving that behind freed me. The only person I had left to compare myself to was… myself.

And that is so much healthier.

My Depression Lifted, and Anxiety Decreased

The first two weeks, I wanted to crawl out of my skin. The anxiety was brutal. I kept finding my heart racing, worked up to a panic for no reason that I could pinpoint. Or I’d make up big, elaborate stories about things in my head to worry about – none that were actually founded in reality.

It turns out, alcohol fuels anxiety, and it takes awhile for the lingering effects to dissipate.

The anxiety was still there – sometimes more than others – but I was forced to learn all kinds of new tools to cope with it. It got so much easier.

The depression that I’d been wading through for a decade or more started to lift. I was starting to feel a sense of purpose again for the first time in longer than I could remember. There was a lot more joy than there was sadness, and what sadness did show up wasn’t the hopeless kind that I’d suffered with for so long.

It turns out, talking about emotions and experiencing deep, meaningful connection with other humans is what cured my depression.

All that medication. All the years of hopelessness. I missed out on so much life… because I thought I needed to keep my emotions to myself, and because I was debilitatingly lonely (and didn’t even realize it.)

I also learned that social media affects your dopamine system as much as alcohol does – the same receptors that lit up when I fed my alcohol addiction were lighting up when I was getting likes and comments. I literally craved the positive attention I got from my social media posts. As with anything addictive, it took some time for things to regulate.

Once things were regulated, my depression became a distant memory.

3 Years Later…

I still don’t drink alcohol. I have no intention of starting again. My life is infinitely better without it. For so many years, I was a functional drinker… but even that amount of drinking was holding me back from so much.

I use social media now, but in a much different capacity. I only use it to connect with the sober and wellness communities – not to hustle for validation. I keep a careful awareness of how it’s affecting my mental state, and I take breaks often.

---

If you’re ready to start digging into the subconscious beliefs that are holding you back from living your best alcohol free life, make sure you download my FREE e-book filled with journaling questions to help you uncover the old beliefs and create new ones.