Have ever been to a sobriety support group – whether it’s AA or something else – and felt like it didn’t really do anything for you?

Are you tired of other sober people trying to talk you into going to a meeting, but you can’t think of anything you’d rather do less than hang out with a bunch of strangers and talk about your drinking problem?

I quit drinking for over a year in 2019. I lasted about a year – primarily because I didn’t have the support and accountability I needed for long term sobriety.

When I quit again in 2021, I did a lot of things differently.

But arguably the most important change that I made the second time around is that I found a support group that felt like a good fit, and I did my best to make the most of every meeting. It wasn’t easy at first. I picked a group that met on Zoom, and I joined the meeting with my camera off. I didn’t say a word. I just listened (and cried).

I was embarrassed. I was terrified. I was ashamed.

But as I listened to people share bits of their stories, I realized I wasn’t alone in all of this. And the shame started lifting.

It took several meetings before I started turning my camera on. And then I started talking. I let these people – these lovely, kind hearted strangers – show up for me in ways no one else ever had. And slowly but surely, I found what had been missing the first time I tried to quit drinking.

I found community.

I’m not here to tell you that meetings are the answer – but I do believe they can be part of the solution if you know how to use them. So if you’re open to giving it a shot, here are 10 ways to start getting more of the connection, encouragement, and insight you’ve been craving.

1. Decide why you’re going before you walk in

Ask yourself: What do I want to feel, hear, or remember by the end of this meeting?

By having a specific goal in mind, you’ll become less of a passive observer and more of an active participant.

Are you looking for relatable stories? Encouragement for when things feel hard? Tangible tools and tips that you can try out when you’re at home and a craving strikes? No matter what you’re looking for, you’re likely to find it. But it helps to know ahead of time what it is you’re actually needing.

2. Set down the “I’m fine” mask at the door

You don’t have to overshare. But you do have to be real – at least with yourself.

The people who grow the most in meetings aren’t the ones who look like they have it together. They’re the ones that are willing to admit that they don’t. Sober support meetings are the one place that you’re safe and free to talk about all the things that are distinctly not fine right now and know that you won’t be judged for any of it. No one expects you to have it all together.

What they really want is for you to let down your armor enough to let them help you with what you’re really struggling with.

3. Keep a “meeting reflection journal”

After each meeting, write down:

• One thing that hit home for you
• One question you want to explore more deeply
• One shift in perspective that was really helpful

Don’t stop at a sentence – follow the thread of your thoughts. You might be surprised where it leads you. This is how you really start learning about yourself and why you are the way you are. It’s an opportunity to practice deep reflection, even if it’s not something you’re experienced with. And when you do this reflecting, you’ll get the feeling that you are an active participant in your recovery – not just along for the ride.

4. Look For the Similarities – Not the Differences

Your inner critic will try to convince you that you’re different. Instead, try asking:

“What part of this sounds like my story?”

Any time someone shares their story, there will be parts that are similar to ours and parts that are distinctly different… and you’ll find whichever one you’re looking for. Your insecurity will try to push you to see the parts that aren’t the same. That voice in your head will start telling you, “See? You aren’t that bad.” Tell those thoughts to step aside, and listen with an open heart and an open mind. There will be parts of everyone’s story that resonates. It’s a great reminder that you aren’t alone.

5. Ask Questions

If there’s something you’re not sure about; something you don’t understand; something you’re having a hard time with – ask! Chances are, if you’re wondering then someone else is too. Just like your teacher (hopefully) told you in grade school – there are no stupid questions.

We learn from others when we get curious.

6. Try Sharing – even if your voice shakes

You don’t have to be eloquent. Just honest. You can even start out by saying, “I’m really nervous, and I’m not sure what to say.” For some people, that’s a really vulnerable statement and it’s enough to heal something inside of you. And maybe just starting there will help you put a few words together to share a small piece of you. There’s always a place for silence, but hiding your truth isn’t ever going to help you heal.

7. Arrive early or stay late

Some of the most meaningful connection happens in the 10 minutes before or after a meeting. These are often where the impromptu, from the heart coversations happen – the conversations that will make you feel seen. And sometimes it’s just where some jokes or stories are told that will make you feel like you’re a part of a circle of friends.

Belonging is a feeling we all crave – and this is one of the best places to find it.

8. Make Friends With Someone You Admire

Reach out to someone whose honesty and recovery stand out to you. Send her a message; get in touch. Ask her a question, or share with her that her story resonated with you. A few texts back and forth can be the foundation of a relationship that will support you as you keep moving forward in your journey – and it will likely give you the opportunity to show up for someone else, too.

You don’t need to make a best friend overnight. Start by simply acknowledging someone else’s courage. Connection builds one small step at a time.

If you struggle with social anxiety and making friends, this is a great way to practice in a low-risk situation.

9. Bring one feeling with you and see what happens to it

Choose one word that describes where you’re at right now: overwhelmed, curious, lonely, angry, anxious, hopeful. Go ahead and carry it into the meeting with you. After the meeting, ask yourself, “Did this feeling shift? Why or why not?” There’s no right answer here. But it’s a great way to observe your emotions and the impact that connection can have on them.

10. Remember: the meeting isn’t for who you are today – it’s for who you’re becoming

Show up for her. The version of you that craves peace, self respect, and connection.

Even if you’re sitting silent with arms crossed, your presence is a step in her direction. She’s ready to start showing up.

In Closing

Meetings aren’t going to fix everything. But they’re an accessible way to get some much needed support and guidance when you begin this journey – especially if you’re feeling alone. They’re a safe place to show up exactly as you are – flaws, insecurities, shame, and everything else – and be met with understanding and compassion.

And if you put in the effort to get the most out of them, sobriety meetings can form an important pillar of your recovery pathway, whatever that looks like.

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Want to try a meeting that feels more like a conversation with people who get it?

Join our free Monday Night Support Call, hosted by me and my co-host Steve from the Through the Glass Recovery podcast. It’s a safe, welcoming space for anyone on a recovery path – no labels, no judgment, no pressure.

Sign up for our mailing list at throughtheglassrecovery.com to get the link. You’ll also get weekly inspiration, stories, and tools to help you build a life that feels like yours again.